Aches

Being left in the midst of complete darkness
Not knowing where to go
And when you try to find a way
Just causes fear and anxiety
So you just sit down and embrace yourself in despair
Knowing that no one will understand the pain

Yep.

That’s the feeling.

“How did I get here?” I asked myself. So I turned back the pages of my past. Some of the pages were so neat, while others were torn and damaged. Different emotions flooded inside me for every page I flipped. Every memory flashed in my head, and most of it made me regret. But there’s one page that was so damaged, with lots of scotch tape finely placed over the large rip at the middle.  It was the first page of the book. It was the page that was torn away from my book multiple times, but was also taped back again and again everytime it was torn away.
—And that page was about the first time we met.

This girl that I met before was the silent type, except when she is with her friends. She likes to listen to rock music. She was happy on the outside, but inside she was sad. She was very smart and witty. She likes to smile. She was nice. She was pretty. She was adorable.

She was my dream.

But it was a battle I’m bound to lose.

She taught me about music. She taught me how to keep secrets. She taught me how to use my guts. She taught me how to be patient. She taught me how to make decisions. She taught me about regrets.  She taught me how to deal with pain. She taught me how to be happy. She taught me how to feel. She taught me how to love.
But there’s one thing she missed.

She never taught me how to stop.

I already anticipated the result of this losing battle. Even from the start, I knew that I already lost. But I cannot understand why I still fought. I don’t know why I continued to endure. I cannot comprehend why I held on for so long.
Maybe I was chasing someone in the dark.

But I can’t blame the person for this. I never knew how to. There’s no choice but to take the pain. Well, that’s life.

Like what I’ve found in the internet once, it says:

You can’t ignore pain.

You can only pretend to feel okay.

 

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