Wandering

How can you understand the world,
when the world doesn’t even understand you?
Even more, how do you start to understand yourself in the first place?

I have depression and understanding emotion is probably the hardest part in living. Yeah, I can still experience happiness, sadness, anger, and excitement—but to understand why I feel that way? I really don’t know how.
Maybe, all of this is just an abstract concept that everyone isn’t aware of, or maybe I’m the only one I know who is incapable of doing it.

You may think that this is completely normal. There are times when people are confused about themselves. But I am aware of that too, and what I am currently experiencing is totally different from that.

Sometimes, I would just play games, hoping to be a professional gamer.
Sometimes, I would try drawing, hoping to become an artist.
Sometimes, I would try writing, hoping to become a novelist.
Sometimes, I would try programming, hoping to become a game developer.

My dreams have always been heavily inspired by my own emotions, yet I always lack the much needed motivation. At the end of the day, I would feel worthless.


 

I would blame my hyperactive and  over-ambitious mind for this.

You see, I never stop thinking. I never stop dreaming.
Never.
My mind does not relax, and I am aware of it every single second.
Even if I am doing something which requires an extremely coherent train of thought, my brain still manages to slip its thoughts within.
And it’s difficult. Sometimes agonizing.
Sometimes, I couldn’t sleep. Relaxation can spawn terrible thoughts.
Worst thing of all, I don’t understand any of it—any of this.

I want to know what I really yearn for.


 

What I yearn for—
I might have lost it already, back when I lost hope for myself.
Ambitions are of no use, when you want to cease even your own existence.

After I tried killing myself back then, I guess, I tried to look for what I wanted for myself.
Until now, I haven’t found it yet. I’m afraid I wouldn’t.
Ever.

Up until now, living still seems like a pain.
Because I believe, that life is only worth living, if there is something you truly yearn for.


 

I can’t fully explain what is depression, because I can’t fully explain myself either.

Nevertheless, I will tell you what if feels like, how a single day goes for a person with depression like me.

You wake up, and you don’t know what to do with your life.
You have no will of getting up from bed.
You might get up to eat. Sometimes, you don’t.
You browse social media for bullshit that means nothing.
You go outside, and the sun shines brightly, the sky a perfect clear blue in color, along with a very nice breeze—and you want to appreciate it, but you can’t.
You think of doing something, but you don’t have any will to do it.
You got caught up in a conversation with your friendly neighbor, and you put up a facade, trying to ‘express emotion’, yet you seem unfazed after doing it. No effect.
Things repeat, time passes, and it’s night time.
Your day ends, and you feel like you’ve done nothing.
You feel like shit, and you cry yourself to sleep.

And you wake up again.

 

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