A Worn-Out Facade

Dear,

I’m sorry.
This time, I’m the one saying it. I’m really sorry.
I’m sorry for running away every time. I’m sorry for always pretending.

Yes, it was my biggest lie of all. And the most beautiful one.
That I’ve moved on.

Every time you see me ignore you, I admit, I still think of you. When I look away, it’s like looking at a monochromatic world. It’s gray, dull and distasteful. But when I look back at you, the pale background slowly becomes saturated with hue and the colors become more intense every second.
Finally, in my eyes, you sparkle.

Maybe that’s how my eyes fell for you when we met for the first time.

However, I wonder how I looked in your eyes. Am I just a speck of dust among others?
That’s what I thought. That’s what I believed. I fooled myself, believing you never wanted me anymore. I tricked myself to stop me from hoping further; to stop me from experiencing more pain. It was because I thought you rejected me for good. And I seriously believed it, because you were infallible in my eyes. That’s why.

We’ve went through a lot of pain, dear. Aren’t we already sick and tired of being hurt again and again? We’re not masochists (well, unless…). There will always be pain in this process, but it is also in our hands to stop it.

Will you keep what you have taken away from me, or are you going to return it and walk away? You’re holding it in front of you. It’s fragile. It’s tired and already worn-out. But it’s still beating. And it’s up to you.

Truly yours,

When We Wait

Knock on that person’s door and you would probably wait for a reply.

Will the door open?
Will there be an answer?
But what happens if no one’s there on the other side?

Then the wait will last forever.
And that’s the longest kind of wait a person could ever experience.

“To wait for nothing.”

Uncertainty is what prevents us to leave the door that’s in front of us.
What if the door is going to open the moment we leave?
That’s why we’re afraid of leaving.

We knock and we knock. There’s no answer. We knock again after some time.
We may become impatient. We may get the feeling that we have to leave. But we have to keep on waiting. It’s the promise– to wait. Sometimes, we ask the neighbors if the person’s home; however, all we get are vague answers.

Finally, we would think that probably no one’s there. That’s why we run away. We are afraid that there’s nothing to wait for. We are afraid that it could just be a waste of time.

Maybe that’s just the way it is.

Maybe it takes forever for the door to open.

Nevertheless, if ever that the person on the other side is going to open the door, at least they would be glad to see us waiting.

Invitation


Dear,

My heart is a living being. More like a pet, though.

My heart is a mess.
It jumps every time it sees something from the other side of our house. If my heart had a tail, it would wag its tail uncontrollably every single time it looks across.
It also gets depressed so easily.
It gets really excited every time it hears something from the other side.
It gets nervous when we cross the road.

My heart’s pretty annoying.
I had a hard time taming it. Up to now, it still gets off its leash from time to time.
I’ve told it to stop reacting so much, but it just won’t stop.
I tried taking control of it, but most of the time, it does things of its own.

I feel sad for my heart.
I’ve spent a lot of time mending it. It always comes back to me and tells me, “I got hurt again”. I tried to build a small fence, but it just keeps on jumping over it. What did it find on the other side of the fence that made it so determined, even if it gets hurt every time?

My heart has been constantly chasing something.
Sometimes, I don’t even care about it and just leave it to chase. There was a time when it didn’t even come back. At that point, I was afraid. Did it find a better home?

My heart did not come back. I was afraid that something might have happened to it. I desperately searched for it, looking for different places. It took me a lot of days trying to think where it could be. It might be dead already, but I was hopeful that it’s still safe. I was desperate, worried, and miserable. I was feeling empty, wandering for days and hoping I could still find it. I almost gave up, so I went back to our house.

I heard a bark. A familiar one. It was calling me. I was wondering why I haven’t heard that familiar bark across my own house. It was maybe because I was lost too far from home. The familiar bark intensified. I checked the fence on the other side and looked over. It was my heart. It seemed to have found its home. It was happy, but I sensed a feeling of worry in its eyes. Why was it there? Then something crept across the fence, and I was dumbfounded.

“So that’s it.”

It was another heart. It was the heart of someone. I unconsciously smiled while thinking what kind of person owns that heart. Finally she went out of her home, and greeted me timidly from afar. She went closer and inspected me. I awkwardly said hi, and you responded in a similar fashion.  Suddenly, my own heart jumped for joy, too.

The girl that owned the other heart was someone like no other. I was captivated. She’s small but pretty. She’s funny and her voice was lovely. And I couldn’t stop smiling even if I wasn’t aware of it.

I tried to call my own heart to come back to me, but I wouldn’t. It looked like it wanted to stay there forever. So, I had no choice. The only way for my heart to come back to me is to be with that girl.

So I tried.
And I really hoped for a happily ever after.

Truly yours,


Almost

Almost.

It’s a horrifying word.
And it is probably one of the saddest.

Almost
   adverb.
          not quite; very nearly.*

*(c) Google

Almost.

We were almost there.
There was almost something.
You almost loved me.


It’s scary.
You don’t know when it’s going to hit you.
It leads you to what you’d like to attain, and just when you think you’ve already got it, you actually don’t. You only know that you’ve lost when you’re almost winning.

It makes you realize that everything was an illusion before you failed.
It also makes you blame yourself, because you actually believed that illusion.

And the saddest part is when you realize that if only you did better, you would have got it.
If only you did something different, you would have succeeded.


Almost. It is truly the most agonizing pain. Breaking someone’s heart with an ‘almost’ is cruel, but inevitable at times.

When you try to love someone back, it’s a difficult task. Most of the time, it turns out like an asymptote. You get nearer and nearer, but you don’t know if you’d really reach that line. At some points you might think that it’s not going to happen, but then you would take risks and give chances. And when you get nearer and nearer, sometimes you’ll realize that it’s really not going to happen. Your hearts are not going to meet, despite how close you already are. Even if it takes forever, you paths will not cross.

You were almost there.

But in the end, there’s nothing.
The results are negative. You miserably failed. And it will hurt.

And the longer it takes, the closer you will be and it will hurt even more.
And that’s why it’s sometimes inevitable. We all like to return something to those who give. But it’s not always the case that we’re willing to give our all. Give too much and the other one might not give enough change and reject your offer.

I don’t even know how to end this post.
But at least, it’s almost finished

Hesitation

Dear,

I admit I was once a coward. I kept on running away. When you gave me a chance, I took it for granted.

Why was I afraid?
Maybe I was afraid that you would reject me.
Maybe I was afraid that you’d think I’m rushing things.
Most probably, maybe I was just afraid that I’m not good enough.

And it was one of my biggest mistakes. We did not understand each other. I refused to communicate.

And it’s all because I loved you, but I was afraid of you.

And I’m begging you to have some courage right now.

I don’t want things to be the same like before.
It was a disaster.

And right now I’m still sending letters to you.

Are we still going to wait, like before?
Are we still going to keep silent and misunderstand each other, like before?
We know that we don’t want to make the same mistakes anymore, because it really hurt us like hell.


Frankly speaking,
I’m giving you a chance. But will you give me a chance, too?

That is the only question there is.
And no matter how long you’re going to take to answer, I will still be waiting and sending letters.

I know you’re pretty, smart and witty.
But I also know you’re scared.

I’m scared, too.

Truly yours,

Anticipation

Love is selfish. Definitely selfish.
You want that person to care. You demand for trust. You are expecting that person to be by your side.

However, love is also selfless.
You are willing to give your all to that person. You spend your time, money and energy for the one you love.

Love is mutual–
and this is what we desire,
for us to be happy.

We demand and sacrifice, for the sake of happiness.

But there’s one thing that we’re all afraid of:
What is love when that person doesn’t love you back?

Mutual love is painful, because you have to sacrifice yourself. However, a one-sided love is more painful; You can only be selfless. You cannot be selfish and demand something from someone that doesn’t even care about you.

—And the saddest thing about this,

is that your desire for happiness, to be with the one you love,

is far from reality.

Some people would do anything. They would change everything about themselves to fit the criteria. But in the end, it all depends on that person. It depends if she accepts you or not.

But what doesn’t change is the desire for happiness. Even if it hurts us, even if we get sad, we still hope. We hope because of that desire. We still think that there’s still ‘happiness’ at the end of the road

That is what a one-sided love is all about.

A feeling of pain mixed with a desire of hope. And it’s pretty messed up.

But it’s not going to end up like that forever.
That’s why we change. Because someday, there will be a time when somebody will finally accept you.

There will be tears. There will be pain. But in the end, there will be a person waiting for you– and it will be your happiness.

Inspiration

I missed these feelings– anticipation, worry, doubt, excitement. That’s how terrible love is; your emotions become out of control.

And that’s also the beautiful thing about love—
it makes you live with so much emotion.

I thought I’ve already moved on. I thought that the last time I’ve said that was the end.
And I have never been so wrong.

You know, I have said those same words countless times already.

“I have moved on.”

And every time I said those words, there was only one thought that comes to my mind.
It has always been you.

And that is how you make the most beautiful lie of all.

I have been fighting for more than four years. I only stopped because I believed it was already completely impossible for me. I was wrong.

But then again, I could also be wrong, thinking I have a chance. But that doubt will not stop me this time. It doesn’t matter if I’d end up broken or miserable. I don’t care if I’ll fail or lose my fight. It’s because–

–the one who wins the fight is the one who tried.

Desperation

My philosophy class taught me that running away from your fears will never help you in solving your problems.

And here I am, running away. I’m still scared.
I’m lost.
I’m bothered.
I’m shaken.
I’m afraid I might lose my fight even before it began.

I’m not the kind of person that grows numb from experiencing pain repetitively. It’s not how it works for me. It’s as if my heart is still whole and fragile every time before it breaks. And it’s the same amount of hurt every time.

And I’m afraid that I’ll be hurt again.
But that doesn’t matter.
I don’t want to be too patient. I also don’t want to rush. In the first place, I don’t even know if it’s still worthy to go on.

Uncertainty and doubts. They have been haunting me since forever.
You know, it’s like walking in a middle of a minefield. You know you have to find your way as soon as possible, at the same time knowing every step can lead to your doom. The only thing that could save you is the person knowing what should be your next correct step.

And of course—
When you’re that person, you’d become desperate.

Confusion

Dear,

I’ll go straight to the point. Even if I only have a little bit of chance, would you still accept my fight? Or am I still hoping for nothing?

I’m dumbfounded. I can’t explain myself. I knew I was wrong. Running away isn’t really moving on. But I had this image of you. You were telling me that you don’t want me anymore.

I actually believed that there was really no chance for me, ever.
That’s how fucked up my viewpoint is right now. I closed myself away, letting me look from a corner with so little field of vision.

What amazes me though, is that I actually had the courage to talk to you right now.
Because that’s what I lacked before.
Because that’s what I really need right now.
 Courage.

I tried before, and I did not regret.
And now once again, I don’t want to regret later on, too. I’ll grab every chance.

I swear this time I mean it.

And I hope we could send more letters to each other.

And for the record, all my ‘moving on’ attempts ended up in complete failure.
All of them.

Truly yours,